"I Can't Help, Falling In Love With You"

Needless to say I have been on some interesting dates. They have all had their ups and downs and mixed feelings throughout. However, my first date with Robert was not only the best date I have ever been on but it was one of the best days of my life and I will never ever forget it - nor would I want to.

Like I mentioned before, we only made plans for lunch and batting cages. Since we were going to be doing something active I didn't want to get totally "dolled" up. I wanted him to know I was sporty yet I could look cute doing it! I put on some tight black exercise pants - you know to show off the booty, a tank and a cute zip up. My hair was back in a ponytail but I made sure my face looked like it had a little effort put into it. It was almost 1 and I was so nervous. Because I got ready little early I was pacing around my house trying to keep myself busy while I waited.

Finally there was a knock at the door,

I know that this kind of thing is something you usually see in movies but I kid you not I opened the door and if it were a cartoon there would have been little red hearts floating around my head. The second I saw him "I knew." I knew that this was going to be something great - possibly forever. Before this, I never really believed in the whole "love at first sight" but at that exact moment - I became a believer. All my nerves seemed to just melt away and with our first face to face spoken words it felt as if we had known each other forever.

As I got in the car we basically picked up conversation that was created through our massive amounts of emails. Having built that foundation really helped ease the apprehension. About 20 minutes later we arrived at Pete's. Pete's is a very low key restaurant which, again, was a perfect setting for keeping down the nerves. In my head I expected lunch to last maybe an hour, especially since it's not a typical sit down place and things usually move quicker. However, we ended spending over 2 hours. The food had been cleared and the bill had been paid but we were just so enthralled with each other and deep into stories and laughter. Our waiter kept eyeing us and was getting pissed about us not leaving - but we didn't care. Finally, we decided it was time to hit the road and go hit some balls... baseball's.

I had never been to this sports complex so of course we got a little lost. Just a little, and it actualy made us laugh even more. When we finally found the place we went in and were very surpised. It was huge! Batting cages and two full size indoor soccer fields. We got out tokens and geared up to bat. Neither of us were great but we had a good time trying. Two rounds down and we were a little bored of it so we decided to move ourselves to soccer field which was open. There happen to be a volleyball on the field amongst the soccer balls. Since volleyball was my sport and soccer was his, we took turns showing each other a thing or two. Eventually we got kicked off the field because there was a kids game that was about to go on. This cut our date a little shorter than I think we both expected or wanted.

The good thing about how we set up this date is that IF this were to have been going bad this would have been the perfect time to use the "well I really need to get home to (insert lie here)." However this was exactly the opposite case. We both knew it was not the end of this date - in fact far from it. I mentioned to him the possibility of heading over to Walnut Creek to walk around and maybe grab a beer. He seemed to like the idea so we made our way back over to WC. The weather was great and it was still fairly early so we stopped at a pub and each got a delicious pint of Guinness. While at the pub we talked about our pasts and our families, really getting to know each other to the core. Again, time just seemed to fly but and all of the sudden it went from being 4pm to 6pm! Since neither of us had eaten since lunch, he offered up the idea to get dinner! - No, I think I'll go home now.....jk! Of course, I didn't want this day to end ever!

We walked around a bit down town and I pointed out certain things - where I used to work, good shops and other restaurants. It didn't take long before we both agreed a nice burger would really hit the spot. So, we headed over to Mel's Diner to do just that. The conversation here shifted a bit and we dove into the dreaded topic - ex's. We discussed our past relationships, who they were, what went wrong etc. It's always a touchy subject and if talked about at the wrong time and place can really throw a person off. However, when timed right it's just another way to really get to know a person for who they are and how they got to be the way they are. The older we get the more we get out of the relationships we're in. Unfortunately,that learning sometimes comes at the price of being in a terrible relationship. But looking on the bright side we then not only figure out what we do want in a partner but we figure out what we DON'T want.

By the time we were finished with dinner it was about 8pm. So let's see here, we have now been on out date for 7 hours. Believe me this is still early...

He drove me home. We parked across from my house and ended up just talking more in the car. Usually I have my phone on silent whenever I am on a date or with people worth not wanting to be distracted. Apparently I forgot to turn it on silent and it started ringing - loud. It was my mom. This would also normally be a call I would ignore. I mean who wants to talk to their mom while they are on a first date? But, I had a feeling so I answered it. While we had lost track of time she clearly hadn't and was getting concerned. In her eyes her daughter was out on a date with a stranger, left at 1 in the afternoon and it is now almost 9pm - where was I? I told her we were actually in front of the house, sitting in his car talking. "Come in!" She said. Now, for many people this would be a major dating faux pa - meet the parents on the first date? Growing up, I always had a house that friends always came to and I always brought guys I was dating home. So, I asked him if he wanted to come inside and luckily he didn't see phased by the idea.

As we entered my house my mom and dad were in the kitchen. I introduced them to Robert. I could immediately tell my Mom liked him (or at least thought he was good looking, which he was very!) Since he's a pilot, naturally my parents started talking about that and flying etc etc.. This lasted just a few minutes and they got the hint and gave us our privacy. We sat on the couch in the family room and continued our on going laughter. By now it was almost 11pm! He informed me that he really didn't want to leave but he had to fly out early the next morning. I totally understood but we both agreed we wanted to see each other again as soon as possible. He was coming home a few days later so we agreed that following Sunday would be date #2. I walked him to the door and before he walked to his car we looked into each other's eyes, both knowing exactly what the other person wanted - and we kissed. That first kiss just solidified the feelings I had 10 hours earlier when I opened the door.

I went upstairs to my room, took off my make up, put on my pajamas and got ready for bed. Before I got in I decided to text him, thanking him for the best date ever and how much I couldn't wait to see him. This is what I got back:

Rob: "Looks like I'm going to be in Walnut Creek tonight if you want to continue our marathon date?"

What??? How??? Where?? Why??? - these were the questions I should have asked but with the drop of a hat I put on a new outfit, slapped on a little make up and told my mom I was heading back out. I had to take my dad's car since my brother, who was asleep, was parked behind mine. Of course my mom told me to be careful.

On my out I decided, maybe I should figure out where he is.

Me: "Where are you?!"

Rob: "I'm at Motel 6"

What the FUCK??? - is what I should have been thinking..however I didn't care. I thought for one second - "maybe this isn't a good idea"...but then that thought was replaced with - "well if it's my time to go it's my time to go." All I knew is I wanted to see him again and was willing to risk whatever it was to make it happen.

Me: "Why are you there?"

Rob: " My car broke down...(which I did see on the side of the freeway)...I can't fly out so I have to stay in a hotel tonight"

Me: "Ok, be there in 10"

I arrived at the Motel 6 with a few knots in my stomach considering I was meeting a guy at a Motel 6 on the first date at midnight. He told me that his car had been acting up recently and was hoping throughout the date it wasn't going to break down. We both agreed it was fate that it broke down now, making it possible to see each other again. For the next 4 hours we laughed, talked, and yes, did some making out and mild groping of each other (well him on me more than me on him). I was so happy at this moment I really did not want this night to ever end. I didn't want to have to go home and I definitely didn't want him to have to leave either. But, when the clock read 5am and I still had my dad's car, I figured I better head home.

I got home around 6 am. Even if I wanted to I couldn't sleep. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing, all filled with such happiness and utter disbelief that I found this person - this amazing person who might actually be "the one." I knew my thoughts were typical - you know, the whole getting ahead of myself thing? But this was different, I actually believed it.

Around 9am I got a call from Robert asking if I wanted to meet him for coffee and breakfast. With only 3 hours actually apart from the beginning of our date I was so excited that he wanted to see me still. I rushed over the the Motel to pick him up. We had breakfast and coffee and then I took him to his car that was left on the side of the freeway. He called his uncle who lived on the Peninsula who eventually came, as well as AAA, and took him away from me. He flew out that night for work and thus beginning my 3 day wait to see him again. Nothing could have every led me to believe that at 1pm the day before I would have spent over 15 hours with a guy I met from Match.com.

Lesson #5 - Go with your instincts. Even though sometimes the situation may not seem right, if it feels right then go for it. You never know what might come from it and the last thing you want to do is miss out on what could be the beginning of something great. Never live with regrets - take chances and keep not only and open mind but an open heart.

"The Best Is Yet To Come"

Life is full of surprises. Usually the best surprises come when you are least expecting them, making them even more special than if you had the expectation. The same goes for falling in love. It can happen when you least expect – but when it does you will do everything you can to never let it go.

Luck was clearly not exactly on my side at this point when it came to men. I was meeting cute, nice guys but they just weren’t what I was looking for. What was I looking for? To be honest, I didn’t’ really know but I just figured when it came my way then I would. My match.com-ing was proving to be somewhat unsuccessful. I wasn’t ready to give up but I started to doubt any possibility of finding someone I could actually go on more than one date with – (not including my drunken stupor of a second date with Mike). While doing some casual perusing of the men on Match I came a across a picture that stood out as if there were a light shining down on it. When I clicked on the profile to see the rest of his pictures I was actually in awe of how good looking I found him. Who is this guy?? As I started reading through his profile I learned that he was from the East Coast, was very intellectual and was a pilot – hot! I didn’t even know pilots came that scrumptious. When I think of a pilot I think of old man, possibly has a giant belly and definitely has a mustache. Never would I think blonde hair, light eyes, and a smile that can make anyone melt like butter. Of course I decided to wink at him…never really thinking I would get a response. In my eyes this guy was way out of my league.

Over the next couple days I felt like a total creep master as I constantly looked at his pictures. I couldn’t get him out of my mind but, like I said, this guy was so out of my league I better just move on.

But then I got a wink back!!!

I couldn’t believe it! Right away I started drafting an email to him. With each word I typed my smile just grew and grew. Over the next few weeks we wrote not just emails, but full on essays to each other. We would write to each other at least once a day and sometimes more, asking and answering questions about our families, our dreams and ourselves. He wrote with such poise and I felt like I actually knew him beyond just through the screen of my computer. Everyday I looked forward opening my inbox and seeing a new message from “AArrDee” (I’ll explain that name later).

After a couple weeks of being pen pals it was time to take it to the next level – which is meeting each other in match.com world. When you have this type of “relationship” of writing back an forth for a length of time the act of meeting is almost more nerve wracking then if you emailed once and decided to meet. There is more pressure considering we had already built this foundation layer and each of us has our own set of expectations. What if he doesn’t meet my expectation? What if I don’t meet his? Then was all of that emotion and energy put out there for what seems like nothing?

I took a trip up to Chico, CA for a weekend to go visit some of my best friends who went to school there. I had a big weekend ahead of me – 90’s themed party, 80’s themed party, a milestone celebration at a local bar and catching some baseball games. Before I left I had emailed AarrDee telling him about all my festivities and how much fun it was all going to be ( which for those who were in Chico during my visit know EXACTLY how much fun I had…a story I will share later and will be a MAJOR earmuffs for children!!). If you have never partied in Chico then you won’t understand but since I was only there for a few days I was definitely going to make the most it. I was so wrapped up in everything going on around me that I had forgot to email AarrDee back. So when I got home and checked my email this is what I saw:

“Hey, was it something I said? Just kidding, I understand how this whole thing can go I and wish you the best of luck.”

Robert

OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!!!!!!!!! Am I about to lose something before I ever really got a chance to hold on to it?? Hell no!

Immediately I emailed back how sorry I was that I got side tracked in Chico and how much I still really wanted to meet him…plus a few more sorry’s were thrown in as well.

Luckily he was really cool about it all and still really wanted to meet me. I gave him my phone number and that night he called me! While waiting for his call I was so nervous about what his voice would sound like and whether or not our conversation would feel awkward. The second I answered the phone all my worries went away. We began talking as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Our first conversation lasted about 45 minutes and ended with us decided to meet that weekend.

Neither of us really wanted to do the whole dinner thing. We wanted something a little more active and fun with as least amount of potential stress. After a few minutes of brainstorming we came up with our date. He was still fairly new to California, lived in Berkeley and had never really explored the East Bay. So, I invited him to come over my way and I would take him into downtown Danville for lunch. Because he knew how much I liked sports, especially baseball, he thought it would be fun to find some batting cages and hit a few balls where I could show him a thing or two. This sounded so fun to me and I found a sports complex not too far away. This was definitely not a conventional date (which is pretty much a preface to the next six months of my life) but I had never looked forward to something more.

First date itinerary

• He would pick me up at 1pm
• Lunch in Danville at Pete’s Brass Rail
• Batting Cages

Since our first date allotted for about 4 hours or so I wasn’t ready or expecting what was about to come my way but it was one of the best days of my life!!!

"Highway to the Danger Zone"

This entry is dedicated to my good friend Courtney – as it is her favorite.

A few weeks had past since my wonderful encounters with Mike. For those who have yet to experience the online dating scene there is somewhat of a protocol – at least that is what I am learning. While it’s called “Match”.com it usually takes more searching on your part to find the people you are attracted to. People often say “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” but when pictures and some words are all you really have to go by it seems like that is really the only thing you can do. Once you have landed on a profile of someone you find attractive there are two options. Some people go straight for the email while others send a “wink” (think of it like a poke on Facebook). All that really does is allow the recipient of the wink to know you think they are attractive. Maybe you will get a wink back or maybe an email – or sometimes no response whatsoever. I am a fan of winking. I’ll wink at all kinds of people and see what happens. Because I don’t take it too serious or to heart if I don’t get a response I know my life will go on.

While doing a daily (yes daily…unemployed at the time + boredom = match.com feign) search of men on the Match, I came across a profile that stuck out. Not only was he extremely cute (to give you a visual think of a not so pansy Kris Allen from American Idol) but also we seemed to have a good amount in common. So naturally, I winked! Soon after I got a wink back and basically the green light to email. I sent him an email just saying “hi” and that I thought he was cute blah blah blah. Over the next week or two we shared emails and it seemed promising. He had asked for my number and told me he’d really like to talk on the phone sometime and asked if I would be up for that – whoa! No texting..straight into phone convo…am I ready for that?

One thing that only a few people know about me is I have an extremely sensitive ear for voices. Some may call it weird but I will literally will not date someone if I don’t like their voice so I get a little apprehensive to when it comes to talking toguys on the phone for the first time. There is a fine line of what is acceptable to me – I know this may sound weird. I’m sure most women will agree with me when I say a man with a voice that is higher pitched than normal is pretty unattractive. So although I was hesitant about the phone call, I agreed.

A little background on this guy:

His name is, actually I am not going to give his real name..you'll figure out why later - but he is training to be a Fire Fighter, so we'll call him Fire Guy. Is it just me or do you hear the words Fire Fighter and automatically see no shirt, buff tanned bud, holding the hose (not his hose but the fire hose) on the front of a calendar? – love that image!

Anyway – he calls me one night. I answer the phone and was greeted by a slightly higher pitched voice than I tend to like…Minus 2 points. However, the conversation between was going well. There weren’t too many of those awkward silences. Those are the WORST – especially when they are face to face…ugh I get chills thinking about that stuff. We chatted for almost an hour when we decided to both go to bed. This went on for a couple days when he finally decided to ask me out. I accepted and he said he would plan the whole thing. That Saturday we met at a restaurant in Walnut Creek called Maria Maria. As I walked up to the restaurant he greeted me with a beautiful single Orchid flower. …Plus the two points I took back earlier. However, minus a point because he was wearing glasses. Not that I have anything against glasses, but he didn’t have them on in any of his profile pictures so why wear them on your first date? He was also a little skinnier than I had hoped. But he was dressed very well and I was nervous but excited about this date.

We headed into the restaurant and the waitress took us to our table – a table that he had personally requested which was right next to the live music but in a spot where it wasn’t too loud. Impressive! At this point I am wondering if this is something he has done before…but whatever I’m falling for it! The food was absolutely amazing and the company was great too. Now, it’s about that time – check time. What kind of guy is this? Will he pay? Will we fucking split it?.....

Test #1 – Passed…like a good gentlemen he paid.

As we were getting ready to leave he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, which I did, so he took me to a Billiards Hall. We played a couple rounds of pool, had a couple of beers and played some games that were in the back. As we were playing the one of those basketball shooting games he took my by his side and planted a kiss right on my lips. Although a little surprised, I rolled with I and kissed him back. It felt right and it felt nice. So as were pretty much making out in this little room, a knock on the window interrupts the moment and we are told to leave. Apparently making out is not one of the games – who knew!? After that buzz kill we decided to get out of there and press on.

It’s now about 10pm and we decide to stop for dessert at Mel’s Diner and split a delicious milkshake. Yup, two straws and everything – basically a scene straight out of Happy Days between Joanie and Chachie. This was most definitely the best date I had ever been on and it seemed like the night was going just perfect. After our dessert we strolled around downtown making little pit stops to make out underneath the lights of the trees. It was very romantic. I felt like I was in a movie. Since my car was just around the corner we hopped in and I drove him to his car that was parked in a parking garage just a couple streets up. (This is also another little “test” I have.) I am always interested in what kind of car someone drives. It doesn’t have to be an expensive car but I feel like your car says a lot about you. He drove a Ford Explore – not bad, minus the gold-ish paint job. We said our goodbyes and kissed each other good night.

All the way home I was smiling – thinking to myself what great night that was. It was a different set of feelings I had then I did about Mike. There wasn’t the same kind of “fireworks” but I genuinely had a good time and would go out again with this guy if he asked.

When I got home, right before I got into bed, I decided to send him a text.

Me: “Just wanted to say thanks again for a really great night”

Fire Guy: “ Can I call you? “

Me: “Right now, sure. Is everything ok?

Fire Guy: “ There is just something on my mind I want to talk to you about”

PAUSE!!

Um….this is our FIRST DATE!! What the hell could he possibly be thinking about that he needs to call me right away? I was nervous for what was coming my way but nothing; I repeat NOTHING could have prepared me for what he said. As the phone rang I could feel my stomach turn a bit. What was going on right now??? I hesitantly answered the phone. After a few seconds of small talk he got right into it, via the following;

Fire Guy: “ So there is just something that I feel you should know about me before things go any further between us”

My thoughts (gay? Depressed? Porn star? ……no clue)

Me: “ ok what’s up?”

Fire Guy: “ Well I am a recovering Heroin addict.”

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!!!!! A WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A WHAT???!!!!

Like I said, nothing could have prepared me for this! How do you respond to something like that? Never would I have guessed he used to be a drug addict. He was so clean cut and put together and, while I don’t know many drug addicts, the one’s I see on TV DON’T LOOK LIKE THIS! So there I am left basically speechless on the other end of the phone. It took about 5 seconds for me to gather some kind of answer back.

Me: “ okaaaayyyy. Well how long have you been sober?”

Fire Guy : “ Almost a year.” (Almost??? I was thinking like 2 years at least. Plus I am pretty sure when you are a recovering anything you are not supposed to date for at least a year)

Me: “ Wow, ok well ….I really want to thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share that with me but to be honest I just don’t think that is something I can handle right now.”

And that was basically the extent of our last phone conversation ever. To go back to that night, when I got home from my date I went in to my parent room – per usual, to let them know I got home safe and to tell them the date was amazing. So, naturally my parents were really excited to hear about the date. How do I tell them that it was great but, oh yea he did Heroin!? I didn’t have it in me to tell them yet and they just couldn’t’ understand why I wasn’t’ being more enthusiastic when I was so excited about it the night before. Finally, a few days later I told my mom what had happened and she obviously understood and felt bad for making me feel bad for not talking to him.

Match Date #3 – Thanks but No Thanks!

Lesson #4 – This is why we don’t judge books by their covers. Even when that’s all you can do at first you never really know what you are going to get until you open up the book and start reading. Sometimes you have to close the book after reading the first page when you realize this just isn’t the book for you!

Part Deux - "It's All Wrong, but It's All Right"

All good things come to an end some how, some way. Sometimes they start right back up again but other times they are finished - for good! While one may have a picture in their (my) head, the reality of that picture is often quite different.

Like I mentioned earlier, when I came home from my date with Mike I was so smitten it was like I was a 12 year old girl at an N'SYNC concert (or Justin Bieber for today's youth). The morning after our date I woke up with a hanger in my mouth, smiling from ear to ear. Immediately we began texting away throughout the day and that picture I was talking about was getting clearer by the second. I was really seeing potential in this guy and just couldn't help but call my friends and tell them about my date and new guy.

Side note -- again getting way ahead of myself in my head...it's a sickness I swear!

Anyway- so he invited me the next day to a baseball game that he would be coaching and then afterwards we could grab dinner. Awesome! I obviously accepted and couldn't wait for this day to be over so I could see him the next day.

Finally, date number 2 had arrived. As I am getting ready I can't figure out what to wear. It's a baseball game so I don't want to look too "overdone" but there will also be a real date after so I don't want to look too "daytime." - such a complex! I decide to go with jeans, boots, and a cute plaid Abercrombie vest with a cute fur hood. Since I have dated my share of baseball boys (yes, BOYS, not men!), going to games alone is nothing new to me. I make my way through the crowd and park myself right behind home plate. Thank god for sunglasses because I can't stop staring at Mike, but I don't want to look like a total creeper so I keep my phone in my hands and pretend that I'm looking at it. What would we do without gadgets like these? As the game goes on I end up making friends with a couple of guys who were rooting for the opposing team.

New Friend: " so which one is your boyfriend?"

(Awkward!)

Me: " The first base coach" (Liar)

While a somewhat awkward question, it's not like he knew I was lying and it's not like Mike could hear me call him my boyfriend. However in the context of this - I sound like a crazy person. But I assure you I am not! It was just a lot easier than saying "actually I met the first base coach on Match.com and tonight will be our second date."..no thanks - so for a couple of hours he was my boyfriend. My new friends and I were having a good time shit talking back and forth to each other and eventually their team won so all my shit talking went down the drain, oh well. Since I knew that he might not be in the best mood after a loss I was hoping it wouldn't affect our date.

Going to baseball games when you have plans with a player/coach is great except when it is a home game and they have to clean the field and have a team meeting. So that means I get to sit around and wait for them to be done, great! Once again, my handy dandy iphone comes to the rescue. About an hour or so later he is finally ready and it's time for our date. He takes me to this really nice Italian restaurant (which he had been to before and forgot exactly how nice it really was..we were not dressed totally appropriate but ate there anyway). Mike was not inthe best of moods and wine was much needed. The dinner was great, conversation flowed nicely and 2 bottles of wine EACH later we were feeling pretty good - and he definitely forgot about the loss. The check came and it was pretty expensive so being the nice (or stupid?) girl that I am I offered to help pay...Test #1: I offer to pay in order to seen nice, and I genuinely mean it BUT I do expect the "man" to decline my offer and pay.

Test #1 - FAIL

After we SPLIT the check (around $120) he asked if I wanted to see a movie. Sure why not! Then he asked if we sould continue the "party" and grab some more alcohol before the movie started. Sure - I was buzzin' so why the fuck not, what could come of it..hahaha. We headed over to Safeway and grabbed 1/5 of Bacardi and Diet Coke, sat in the car and proceeded to get hammered. Real classy for a second date right!? We brought the rest into the theater with us and began to watch the movie - oh did I mention the movie was "He's Just Not That Into You" -hmm. As we continued drinking in the theater we both ended up passing out in our seats for a bit. When we came to, each of us professed to each other certain things we wanted to go on after the movie - if you know what I mean.

Sidenote #2 - Remember how I said he literally just moved from Boston?..well when I mean literally, I mean he doesn't have an apartment and lives in the men's locker room office. There is a mattress and desk - that's it. (Mattress - not bet!). Where did I stay that night? IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM! What time did I have to leave because they had practice before their game? 6 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! How did I get back to my car? WALKING OUT OF THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM- WHILE SEEING PLAYERS COMING IN!!

BIGGEST. WALK-OF-SHAME. EVER.

I made it to my car and drove home. When I got home I went through the back door ( oh yeah, I lived with my parent's at the time) and as soon as I opened the door my Dad was standing there feeding the dog. Hmm...daughter coming home at 6 am, wearing the same clothes as the day before, hair a disheveled mess, make-up smeared - YA- he knew what went on. Luckily he laughed and I headed upstairs to get some sleep, since I didn't get much that night. Needless to say the impression I made on him (and his on me) was not exactly ideal for creating a future. I think we both were a little taken a back and while we talked for a couple days after, we don't talk anymore.

No third date there - but we must press on!!

Lesson #3 - Simple - STAY SOBER on at least your first three dates. Go ahead and drink but it's not attractive to get sloppy and make bad (even though fun) decisions. You will thank me and yourself later!